omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
