I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
