I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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