hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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