I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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