The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
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