Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
