My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize