i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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