Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
