Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just cropdusted the office
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
