It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
