when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
