I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
