I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
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