Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
