also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
