I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
