Just fell off a train. Bad.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
