the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
