I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
