They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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