Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
