I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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