Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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