Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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