just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I didn't notice because vodka
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Randomize
