Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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