I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
