i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
