So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
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