Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
