Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
