its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
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