I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
