Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I still have a little drunk in my system
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
