Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
