did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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