i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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