i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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