You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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