I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
