apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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