last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
My bed smells like the plague
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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