i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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