I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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