I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
