were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
