Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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