If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
