bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
