I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
