The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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